


Family Reunion

by ThayerKerbasy



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Deus Ex Machina, M/M, Post-Episode: s15e18 Despair, Trans Crowley (Supernatural)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-19
Updated: 2020-11-19
Packaged: 2021-03-10 07:34:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27629630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThayerKerbasy/pseuds/ThayerKerbasy
Summary: Dean just wanted to grab lunch, but celestial entities had a habit of interfering with his life.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 26
Kudos: 34
Collections: SPNColdestHits





	Family Reunion

**Author's Note:**

> Listen, I was going to write pure crack this month, and then 15x18 happened and it derailed everything. I realized it would take very little to make this fic canon compliant, and my brain really likes it when things are canon compliant, so consider this an alternate 15x19, but without all the people disappearing.

Dean wished he’d pushed harder for burgers. Burgers were always reliable. But noooo, he had to give in to curiosity when Sam mentioned wanting to revisit a sushi restaurant chain he’d loved so much in his Stanford days. Goddamn yuppie bullshit.

Instead of the comfortable familiarity of a Biggerson’s, they were at a table outside on the restaurant’s patio. (Although, that was Dean’s choice. Much easier to up and leave if you’re already outside.) The weather was actually half-decent, so sitting outside was no hardship, but he was totally going to complain anyway. Sam deserved that much for insisting on sushi. Of course, Jack was happy with whatever he was given, so he kept poking holes in all of Dean’s grumbled complaints. That wasn’t going to stop him, though. Complaining about the little stuff kept him from thinking about the things he didn’t want to think about.

He was halfway through his bento box assortment — which was better than he would ever let on — when Chuck showed up with his trademark asshole grin. Dude didn’t even let them react before launching into his villain monologue. “Hi guys! Been awhile, huh? Bet you thought I’d forgotten about you. I just had a few things to take care of, you know how it is. You start one thing, remember something else you had to do, and before you know it you’ve done three other things and never got around to tormenting your faves.”

Sam sniffed — a sure sign of floppy-haired irritation. A mass exodus from the sushi place stopped him from saying anything until after they’d all gone, but Sam was always good at communicating bitchiness without a word.

Dean sighed and set down his spicy tuna roll. “Can’t a guy pretend to enjoy one damn meal in peace?”

Lightning struck the ground before them with a crack, a gunshot from above, blinding Dean before he could close his eyes. Popping his ears and blinking to deal with the system overload, he felt like it was forever before he registered the presence of another person.

The woman talking to Chuck was tall and matronly, with streaks of grey in her long black hair. Maybe it was because his vision was still a little fucky, but he couldn’t pinpoint her nationality beyond not-white. He couldn’t make out what she was saying because of all the damn ringing in his ears, but whatever it was seemed to make Chuck shrink in on himself like skinny dipping in March.

Her entire demeanor changed when she noticed Dean. It was like all the steel in her body softened to cookie dough. She beamed — literally, like a ray of sunshine — and it felt like everything would be okay. Whatever she said, when she touched Dean’s cheek, full sight and sound came rushing back.

“There, that’s better.” Her hand left Dean’s cheek and it felt like a loss. “Sorry, little one. I didn’t know how fragile my baby’s creations were.” Between one word and the next, she brushed her softly glowing fingertips over Sam’s cheek, then Jack’s. “Seems my true self is too much for your poor little fleshy brains to handle.”

In Dean’s experience, people who talked like that were usually bad news. She had healed them, though, so he gave her his nicest menacing glare. “Uh, thanks for fixin’ us up, but who the hell are you, lady?”

“Now why am I not surprised that my baby never mentioned me. He’s at an age, you know. I send him out to play and all thoughts of his mother vanish from his little head. Oh, but you want a name, don’t you?”

“That’d be a good start,” said Sam.

“I’m afraid I don’t have one. I’m mother to the ones you know as Chuck and Amara. Is that a sufficient name? Mother?”

Jack’s eyes widened. “You’re my great-grandmother!”

“In a way, I suppose I am.”

Dean ran a hand over his face. What even was his life? “Yeah alright, whatever. What’s your deal, Cosmo Mom? Are you here to fuck with our lives, too?”

Her eyes grew wide and shone with unshed tears. Her lip actually quivered. “You poor little thing! You’ve been hurt so many times, you expect it from everyone, don’t you? No, I’m here to fix this great big mess.”

Visions of every thwarted apocalypse flashed through Dean’s head and he stifled a groan. “Gotcha. End of the world, take five? Six? I dunno, I’ve lost count. Thanks for the heads up.”

“I dunno, Dean,” said Sam. “It sounds like she really wants to fix things.”

“I do! This is my baby’s first world and I should’ve been here to see it, but I didn’t think he’d start creating so soon. I probably should’ve seen that coming. He’s always been a precocious little one. I’ll be supervising the next one, but that doesn’t do anything about your current situation.”

Wasn’t that just Dean’s luck, to be stuck as a toddler’s plaything since birth. “Lady, if you take your kids away and make ‘em stop meddling, I’m sure we’ll be just fine.”

“Oh, but you deserve better than just fine. Let’s start with the monsters. Jack, sweetie, pay attention.” She waved a hand and the air crackled with ozone for a moment before dissipating. “The ones who began as humans have been restored. We’ll let the others decide for themselves whether they’d each rather be humans or carnivorous animals.”

Sam scoffed. “Really? Just like that? There’s seriously no more monsters?”

“Well, I wouldn’t say ‘just like that’. I put a lot of thought and care into what I just did. Which reminds me…with no more monsters, they don’t exactly need a separate afterlife, do they?” ‘Mother’ waved a crackly hand again, but when she came to a stop, her brow creased thoughtfully. “Another afterlife connected? How odd.”

It didn’t take long for Dean to realize what she meant, though Sam beat him to the punch. “That’s Hell. Purgatory’s for monsters, but Hell? Hell takes human souls and turns them into monsters.”

She covered her mouth with her fingertips and gasped. “My little sunbeam, how could you?”

For the first time since his mother’s arrival, Chuck raised his head. “It wasn’t me! That was Lucifer!”

No way was Dean going to let an opportunity like that pass him by. “You might not’ve made demons, but you made Lucifer, and you sure as hell twisted him into a demon-making asshat when you tattooed him with Amara’s goddamn prison.”

If everything else was any indication, Dean was sure that revelation would’ve made ‘Mother’ start crying or faint or something equally out of a Victorian novel. Instead, she stood straighter, lips pressed together and forehead all wrinkly like she was ready to start whalloping.

“I understand creating worlds behind my back. Children are forever testing their limits. The cruel way you have treated your creations is somewhat alarming, but we can make things right. Imprisoning your sister, though? For that, you’re getting a time out.” ‘Mother’ snapped her fingers and Chuck disappeared in a puff of smoke. Immediately afterwards, she grimaced. “And he turned the time out room into Hell. I suppose I’d better fix that. Clear out the demons, restore their souls, turn those hellhounds into cute little puppies and give them to deserving children. What a mess.”

Dean knew he should probably leave well enough alone. Maybe finish his sushi while the Supreme Goddess repaired all of creation. But no, he had to push his luck. “Uh, I know you’ve got a lot on your plate already, but while you’re fixing things, think you could maybe fix the Empty? Stuck in a nightmare for eternity sounds like a load of crap. Oh, and maybe fix Heaven too. Really, all of the afterlives are kinda bullshit.”

Across the table, Sam looked a little freaked out, like maybe he also thought Dean shouldn’t be pushing for more when the Mother of All could probably squash them like bugs. Yeah, well, he couldn’t unsay the words.

“Hmm…” said ‘Mother’ as she reached out and pulled a brimstone-scented, heavy-breathing probably-a-hellhound out of nowhere. Before Dean could do more than jump out of his chair, it turned into a dog-scented, slobbering, very visible black pitbull-type dog. Depositing the dog at Sam’s feet, she continued, “This one seems to know you both. She says her name is Juliet.”

Well, that was enough for Sam. One dog was enough to make his brain turn to mush. As soon as it was obvious she wasn’t going to attack him, Sam got to work petting the slobber factory. “You’re not a hellhound anymore! You’re not gonna bite me, right? Who’s a good dog? You’re a good dog!”

Jack wasn’t any better. His face lit up like a Christmas tree and he only waited to see what Sam did before copying him. Dean made a mental note to reinforce his “no dogs in the car” policy before they left.

Apparently ignoring Sam’s inane babbling, ‘Mother’ said to Dean, “This Heaven place seems inefficiently designed. I’m hearing a much more practical system from the Hindus. Thoughts?”

Dean frantically tried to remember anything he’d read about the Hindu afterlife. “Uh, all I remember is that people get reincarnated as animals. I don’t wanna be an ant.”

‘Mother’ smiled. “I’m thinking nice people get to choose what they come back as, and awful people get brought back as something small and weak as a learning experience.”

“Okay, but when we get things right, you’ve gotta let us stay together somewhere if we want. Otherwise it’s just more goddamn torture.”

“That could be done. It’s still much more efficient than individual holding cells. Honestly, I’m not sure why my baby thought a prison was a reasonable eternal reward.” Frowning a little, she continued, “Which reminds me, you mentioned the Empty.” Reaching out with her right hand, she’d only begun to crackle when she gasped. “Oh no, this won’t do. That’s where my first born was napping. Poor dear is so tired!”

Dean’s brain short-circuited. “The one in the Empty is—”

“They get so cranky when someone interrupts their nap. Excuse me, I need to fix this immediately.”

Not knowing what to expect, Dean took an involuntary step backwards when rows of angels and demons began appearing in the parking lot. He didn’t know all of them, but he could easily identify enough of them. They might’ve been dead or sleeping, since it wasn’t like he could check a pulse.

For the first time, Dean thought to look for innocent bystanders. He wasn’t exactly worried for their safety, but he didn’t want to get stuck explaining the mysteries of the universe to some college kid who just wanted sushi. It wasn’t clear where they’d gone, but everyone who’d been there before the arrival of Super Mom wasn’t there anymore. “Uh, excuse me, Chuck’s mom. I don’t mean to interrupt your super important work, but would you mind explaining where all the regular innocent bystander humans went when you showed up?”

She didn’t even stop dragging bodies out of the Empty while she explained. “I just encouraged them to go somewhere else, the where of which was entirely up to them. Don’t worry, they’re still themselves, they just feel compelled to stay away from here. I only wanted to talk to my child and the three of you.”

“Oh.” Dean didn’t know what else to say, so he did the smart thing and kept his mouth shut. A moment later he was glad he did, because all the other thoughts flew out of his head when Cas appeared on the sidewalk in front of him. He immediately forgot that there was no way to tell if Cas was dead or sleeping. All he could think of, as he fell to his knees on the pavement, was that he’d been given another chance and he wasn’t going to waste it.

‘Mother’ chuckled, her laugh like something out of a Disney princess movie. “I thought you’d want to see that one. He’s been dreaming about you.”

“You mean he’s not dead?”

“Goodness, no. I’ve made them all human and given them the bodies of their choosing. That’s why it’s taken so long. It was easier to leave them asleep while I worked.”

Cas looked exactly the same, so Dean ignored the whole “bodies of their choosing” thing in favour of lightly tapping him on the cheek. Sure enough, Cas opened his eyes and scrunched up his face in that confused puppy sort of way Dean loved so much. “Dean?”

Dean couldn’t help laughing a little as he helped Cas up. “I’ll explain later, Cas. All that matters is, you’re back and we’re all okay.”

“What about Chuck?”

“In time out, if you can believe it. This is Chuck and Amara’s mom. She’s fixing up the things Chuck got wrong, and she’s taking requests.”

Cas nodded, then frowned again. “I don’t mean to alarm you, or seem ungrateful, but near as I can tell, I think I might be human.”

While Dean tried to find the words to answer that, angels and demons got to their feet, obviously confused. One, however, got to her feet and immediately made a beeline directly for them.

As she got closer, Dean did a double-take. “Okay, who are you, and how are you wearing _Golden Girls_ era Betty White?”

“Lovely to see you, too, darling, but I’m here for my dog.” She sounded like Betty White, but her tone and inflections were eerily familiar.

Cas squinted at her in that familiar way Dean never thought he’d see again. “Crowley?”

She smirked. “In the brand new, not even stolen, flesh. Now, if you don’t mind, what the hell is going on? How exactly did I acquire this absolutely divine specimen of a body, and why do I appear to be unable to leave it?”

“Yeah, I’m not explaining this more than I have to,” replied Dean. “Let’s gather everyone up. I’m gonna hazard a guess and say everyone needs to hear this.”

He watched as Crowley — deceptively sweet-looking with a halo of curly white hair, wearing a sky blue dress and matching flats — hopped up on a chair and shouted, “All right, you unruly lot! Gather ‘round, sit down, and shut up. Dean Winchester has the answers to all your moronic questions and he won’t be repeating squat, so pay attention.” She got down off the chair and looked at Dean expectantly. “All yours.”

The crowd wasn’t going to assemble instantly, so Dean figured he could spare a moment. “Cas, about what you said before you, y’know…left.”

Cas smiled, and Dean’s heart skipped a beat. “I meant every word, Dean. I don’t need you to try to feel something you don’t. It was enough for me to just—”

“No, that’s just it. I do feel it. I mean, I, uh. I love you, too.”

Crowley huffed a breath of a laugh. “Only took you two knuckleheads how many years? Come on, there’ll be enough time for all that afterwards. Your audience is waiting.”

That was when Dean realized ‘Mother’ was gone. She’d rearranged their entire reality and taken off without another word. Typical celestial. Of course, she’d given him back Cas — and less importantly, but not unimportantly, Crowley — and gotten rid of all the monsters, and made the idea of an afterlife actually half-decent, so he wasn’t exactly complaining. Okay, maybe he was complaining a little bit. She’d stuck him with the job of integrating thousands of ex-angels and ex-demons into society. It definitely wasn’t the job he’d signed up for.

The crowd was bigger than he’d expected. No sense putting it off, even if he’d much rather just grab Cas and go. Taking a deep breath, Dean climbed up on the chair Crowley had recently vacated. “You’re all here ‘cause you were dead. God’s mom reshaped the whole damn world and decided it was too fucked up, so she made all the angels, demons, and monsters into humans, including everyone who was in the Empty. There’s no more Heaven or Hell, just here and whatever you earn while you’re here. Do good and get rewarded with an upgrade. Dickbags get turned into something craptastic, so this is your one warning. Any questions?”

About a couple hundred hands shot up and everyone else started talking. The whole mess was giving Dean a headache. Worst of all, he was still hungry. “Y’know what? I’ll bet you guys are probably hungry. Let’s go clean out this food court and we’ll hash out the rest after everyone’s had something to eat.”

Cas was waiting for him when he got down off the chair. “Dean, I know there’s a lot of things to talk about, and I do want to talk about it all, but…can we get burgers somewhere here?”

Honestly, Dean should’ve known he and Cas were meant for each other years ago. “Dude, yes, we can absolutely get burgers. I don’t care if we have to drive halfway across town. Sam, quit playing with Crowley’s dog and help our five billion new refugees get lunch. Jack, help Sam. Crowley—”

“I know, I know,” interrupted Crowley. “Take my dog and get out of here. Should’ve known better than to think—”

Dean returned the favour. “No, I need you here, man. Ma’am? Damn, that’s gonna take getting used to. Naw, I want you makin’ sure your ex-demons got the ‘don’t be dicks’ memo and don’t go causing trouble with all these ex-angels. You did the whole dying for the team thing, you’re cool.”

Jack nodded. “Cas says it’s a rite of passage, whatever that means.”

“Seriously, that’s what it takes? Right then.” Crowley patted Juliet’s side. “Come on, Juliet. Let’s go keep the plebs in line.”

While Juliet trotted along after Crowley, Dean ran through all the ways they might transport everyone. They’d figure something out. They always did. As long as god’s mom’s ex-husband, Fuckhands McMike didn’t show up, they’d be fine. In the meantime, he had a burger joint to find.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, it's my chosen theme for this month's Coldest Hits, so I'm not trying to win. I'd love to get all your comments and kudos. I asked that people write the most ridiculous finale for SPN they could think of. Unfortunately, canon warped my brain, so mine wasn't as cracktastic as I'd planned, but I hope y'all enjoyed nonetheless.


End file.
